Hotel Management.....Why Do I Do This?

16 April 2008

Personal post...not a guest in sight.

There is a line in a Counting Crows song that goes;

"We only stay in orbit for a moment of time...."

It has other connotations, about unrequited love, but whenever I hear it, it always makes me realise how short our time is, and that unless we have done something quite remarkable in our lives, and made a difference, that life will go on, just as before, only our nearest and dearest will notice we have gone.

I don't worry about getting older, and I certainly don't obsess about dying, but now and again life slaps me in the face and tells me that I had better start getting things right.

Getting older is fabulous, I enjoy the extra wisdom, and the confidence I have now, after years of hiding behind something or someone. I'm of the opinion that we are all capable of anything, we can achieve all and more that we set out to do, that the only person holding us back is ourselves, which I know has been written already by someone far more literate than I.

If I had had the outlook, and the confidence that I have now, say, twenty years ago, I would have given Bertie a run for his money, and we all know he liked to run with the Punt.

Life for me and mine, has taken some weird and wonderful turns over the last couple of years, new country, new house, new jobs, new friends, new schools, and along with that came bewilderment, fear, frustration, confusion, and 101 questions every day about whether it was the right thing to do, to create such huge changes, remove us all from our comfort zone.

Now, just when I thought we were safe for a while, settled, the slap has stung again.

My beautiful miracle baby, my little fighter, my youngest, the child that shouldn't be here, has autism.

Two summers ago, I stood with my husband at the foot of Croagh Patrick, looking at the summit, we had no doubts about being able for the climb, confident that we would get to the top, but I still found myself wondering if I would be fit enough, how long would it take, and how the hell would we get down with broken legs?

That's how it feels now, standing at the foot of another climb, anyone who has done the 'Reek' will know how steep and rocky it is, and how easy it is to fall. We didn't have to do it, we wanted to, we had good boots on, waterproofs, and prepared for it, not like the girls in flip flops that had to turn back less than half way, or the old dear sat on a rock, smoking a Silk Cut because she hadn't the breath!

This time, we have no choice, getting up this steep 'hill' is the only way to get the little miracle the help that he needs.

I know we don't have to cope alone, there are many more parents in the same situation, willing to help, and give advice, and many wonderful healthcare professionals waiting to take him to the next step, but anyone in this position could be forgiven for feeling that they are totally alone. It will pass, I know, and the practical side of my nature will take over, and I will start getting through the the HSEs' red tape, and start finding the right people to deal with.

But not this week. He's four tomorrow, and he doesn't know it's is birthday.

The view from the top of the Reek is worth every minute of that pain and breathlessness.

Work can wait.


Quickroute said...

I'm sure this is not an easy thing to share or express - No doubt this will be a tough climb but you're right - it will be worth it. We don't have kid yet but are friends with some couples that have kids with extra needs (down syndrome etc) and have nothing but admiration for them in how they juggle their time to give the extra care and attention needed and are just so happy with their little bundles of joy. Hang in there Queenie - next week will be soon enough to deal with anything!

p.s. Happy birthday to the wee one!

Blondefabulous said...

Happy Birthday to your precious bundle! I know how you feel. My two youngest have Type 1 Diabetes. When your told your child is "special" you start to wonder all those annoying questions that everyone tells you not to, like WHY, WHY THEM, etc... Don't fall into the trap. I look at my munchkins and think about how much I love them, How great my life has been since they got here, and how I just can't live with out them! We adjust, we adapt, we overcome. We are parents.

Maggie Rosethorn said...

I am sure you are doing tons of research, but, if you haven't already discovered it, Left Brain/Right Brain is a great website with tons of links for parents with autistic children. Kevin's daughter is autistic and he's great with help and advice if you reach out to him (I have, in the past)

ellie said...

Your final 2 sentences brought a tear to my eye and a smile to my face.
As a parent I tend to stress too much over the small things and I fail to see the miracles that surround me. Thank you for shifting my focus for tonight.
When you are at the top, fill your lungs and shout about how proud you are, it's a Mother's right!

Queenie said...

Thank you for all your comments, I appreciate it.

Little fella had a great time, with family visiting from England, and spent most of the day in the garden trying to burst soapy bubbles from the 'monster' bubble machine from his Gran....when he could beat the dog to it!

Normal service will resume as soon as possible.

Anonymous said...

I don't know much about autism other than there are more shades of it than there are of green.

Autism just wasn't a diagnosis in your and my day so take some comfort in the fact that there are thousands of autistics leading relatively normal lives out there unaware even themselves that they are sufferers.
And nowadays help is available.

I have a 4 yr old with the attention span of a gnat who will go out of her way to do something other than what she is told and who has turned into a complete button presser, though funny with it. She's apparently "normal" but let's say ...challenging.
What I'm trying to say is you wouldn't swap your kid for mine and vice versa.

God, it's a good job I don't write for a living. Somewhere in there there is a point. Congratulations if you found it.

Gypsy said...

I'm sure this is an incredibly difficult thing to come to terms with but I'm also sure you have the inner strength to accept the challenges that lie ahead and face them knowing that your little one deserves the best life has to offer. You are in my thoughts Queenie.

Medbh said...

Sorry I missed this and a belated birthday to your boy.
He's lucky to have so much love surround him.