Hotel Management.....Why Do I Do This?

23 February 2008

"Gimmee Gimmee Gimmee"

"Why can't I have a discount"?

(Because you're a flatulent greedy bitch that's why)

"Because Company policy does not allow extra discounts on top of special rates for tour operators"

"But the special rates are only for the room, not the facilities"

(You already get nearly 50% off, how fucking greedy can you get?)

"Sorry, I really cannot change Company policy"

(Actually I can, but you have really put my back up, you have been clicking your knobbly fingers at the waiters since you walked in the door, who do you think you are, you sell rooms, that's all, you sell holidays and shit)

"But I bring you lots of business don't I?"

(Yes you do, and so do a lot of other operators/agents, stop making a fool of yourself, and go home, I am not giving you the steam off my.... anxious nods from a co worker trying to tell me that my 11 O'clock appointment is here)!

"Well, I really cannot understand why you won't bend the rules a little, I mean you could give me lodge for a night or two, you're not full, and I have some colleagues coming over for a couple of days...they are very interested in seeing the standard of accommodation, just as a goodwill gesture? Some of these people are very influential, they will love it here and they would be willing to do wonderful PR for the Resort...."

(Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, you are really getting on my nerves now, I now have two people waiting to see me, and we don't need your half arsed PR gurus ta, we do fine without them)

"I'm sorry, but as I say, we are not in a position to offer you either a complimentary, or discounted stay, as you already receive a substantial reduction because you are a tour operator. You are here as an individual, not as group, and as such you are not entitled to your discounted rate, however I would be willing to give you that rate today. I would also be more than willing to meet with your colleagues and give them a comprehensive tour of the Resort and the accommodation, as you say they will be impressed with the high standard and will more than likely want to recommend us to clients"

"Look, I want to speak to the GM, I think it's ridiculous that I should bring you the amount of business that I do and you are so unwilling to just give me a lodge for a couple of nights, I mean what's the problem"

(The problem is you rancid old cow is that you have stayed with us on five occasions that I know about, and every time you have graced our doorstep, you have managed to wangle a spa treatments for that fuck ugly cellulite on your hairy everything, now, you either pay full whack or you sod off, and by the way, you might as well say 'get me the organ grinder, I ain't talking to no monkey'!

You don't bring us anything, guests re-book because they like it here, and if you only knew that your colleagues have told me that you try to steer them away from Hotels that don't give you anything...I think you have had enough from us, I am on this weekend, and I am giving you nothing, if you're lucky enough to catch another Manager next week, and they're stupid enough to give in to your demands, fine, but today, I am not budging.)

"Well, fine, I'm obviously wasting my time, pity, it's such a nice property"

(Hmm, yes you are and yes it is, but it's a property that you won't be swanning around in this weekend)

I have probably just cost my boss a few grand, but it was worth every cent.

"Mrs W. I can assure you that my GM will only tell you the same as me, but if you would like me to call him at home for OK, well thank you for dropping in, I hope to see you again soon, now if you'll excuse me I have someone waiting for me.

Another freeloader, they all crawl out of the woodwork when the boss is away. Some of these operators think we owe them something, most of the ones I know are great, but just now and then you get one like her, and I take great delight in watching their hopes of a free weekend melt away. For what it costs to keep her in chocolate body wraps, I could employ a linen porter!

On my way back from this ear bashing, I saw a little lady coming towards me in a golf buggy. She seemed to be going a bit fast, and rather too near the pond for my liking, as she turned around to say something to the woman on her right, the whole thing toppled over into the water!! Not only did she turn her head to the right, but the wheel as well! Her (ex) friend went in first, sideways, the she followed, landing on top of her, the now steaming buggy was lying on its side in about five feet of water.

I have never seen so many people run so fast, it was like one of those old films where the heroes have been walking through the desert for days, then find an oasis, and being desperate for a drink, throw themselves into the water.

If anyone tells you that lady golfers are refined laaydees, bullshit! The air was blue! *##*!

Made my day, so funny, oh they were fine, a bit wet but fine.

Luckily, we don't have these....

16 February 2008

The Devil's In The Detail..

Always read the small print!!

What sort of person expects to take their big hairy dog to a five star Resort and get away with it?

The sort of person that knows how to work the system, knows which buttons to press, the sort that can sniff out a stressed out, inadequately trained Duty Manager, and work her until she will agree to anything...! day off, (whooppee do)..then comes Friday, back in to work to try to fix the cock ups of Thursday.

I am going to give up having days off, the World does not revolve around me, I am not the Saviour of all things Hotel shaped, there are people here far more qualified than me, but why do I always seem to have this crap waiting for me after a day off?

Reservations took a last minute booking on Tuesday for Thursday night, for three nights, last minutes are unusual, but fine if they use a credit card, pay the deposit etc. which they did. The lodge that they booked is very nice, quite spacious, sleeps six, but the living room is a little small, (which they didn't know about...obviously).

The booking was for one adult and three children, which was perfect for the accommodation, as one child was in a cot. They arrived on Thursday to a perfectly clean, warm, welcoming lodge and that should have been them set for the weekend.

Thursday evening the heating upstairs went off, and as these things are left to the security guys to sort out after hours, it could not be fixed until morning. So, after Mrs Q refused an offer from the Hotel to spend the night there, she was given extra duvets to keep her little darlings warm. For some reason known only to the security guard on that night, he didn't offer them some portable heaters, which although not attractive, would have done the job until morning.

By Friday morning Mrs Q had kicked up such a stink that the Reservations staff moved her to another, superior lodge, at the same rate, after giving her Thursday night for free.

To say I was a little pissed off is putting it mildly...unfortunately before I came here, the lodges were run by a 'collection' of people, because the administrator left them in the lurch, and it seems that one or two of the 'collection' can't let go, and makes decisions without consulting the Manager in charge.....grouch over!

So off she went, with her FIVE children, sister, brother in law, and dog, (did I say dog)? kids banging on front doors as they went, guests heads popping out to see what the noise was all apologising for other peoples' little their upgrade.

The electrician took I would say ten minutes to replace the fuse that had gone in the junction box, and whoosh...heat!

After one night, the lodge looked like a bomb site, food everywhere, filth, broken glasses in the dishwasher just left for someone to cut their hands on, hot water left running in the bathroom, greasy hands had been smeared down one of the living room windows...?

Their upgraded lodge is huge, sleeps eight, had just been spring cleaned, the carpets had been cleaned, the curtains were just back from the dry cleaners...and it had been recently painted.

All of a sudden, there are three cars on the drive, strange, she lives four hours away and is 'on my own...just me and the children, it's such a struggle with my husband working away'.

The cars are there all night, but they are quiet, and they haven't let the little brats run around outside too much, so no problem.

Saturday, it all kicked off.

I was getting a neighbouring lodge ready for an arrival, and as I came out of the front door, a large labrador-type-cross-dog-sort-of-big hairy-thing came running over to me, then ran off down past some of our long term residents houses. Walking a little way behind was Mrs Qs' sister and brother in law, pushing a pram, they didn't even seem to notice the dog, and certainly made no attempt to call it, so when I called over to them if it was their dog, they ignored me initially, maybe they were going to deny it, how, I don't know, but I asked them twice and they said it was indeed their pooch. I then asked if they had a lead to which they replied,

"Sorry but he just jumped out of the car"....(strange when I have just driven past your car, and it was minus dog, I have just seen you all coming out of the lodge, where the fuck was the dog, glove box?? Things you would like to say but can't..)

Whilst his masters were debating whether to disown him or not, he decided to squat and disgrace himself on the neighbours my next question was,

"Would you like a bag for that?"

The man, now looking decidedly uncomfortable, scrabbled for a nappy sack under the pram, muttering that he had a bag. I watched with a weird mixture of amusement and annoyance as he scraped up the digested Winalot and they went on their way walking around the Course, swinging a little shit bag.

For anyone who thinks I am being a bastard about this, let me just point out that dogs, of any shape, size, colour or breed are NOT ALLOWED on the Resort, to stay, to visit or to be taken on little walks where golfers, might, unintentionally thwack a ball at them and cost their masters lots of pennies in vets bills.

It is written in the terms and conditions, the ones that you have to sign before you can check in....I have looked, there it is, beside the bit that says if you break anything we will come round to your house and nick the silver, I don't think the writing is too small, my eyes are shit, and I can see it, it says...NO DOGS.

Phone call, from Reservations...she, Mrs Q has called,

"I want a key for the last lodge we were in, I need my phone charger..."

No way was she getting a key, so I went to look for the missing charger, and after finding it, had a quick look around for anything else she may have left. When I looked in the boiler cupboard I found an old sleeping bag, and an old beach towel, I put them into the van and went over to her lodge. When she came to the door, she blocked the doorway, shutting the door behind her, I asked her if she had lost her charger and she thanked me 'for my kindness' and took it, I mentioned that I had found a sleeping bag, and she said that was hers the whole drive was now blocked with cars, I had parked on the lane at the bottom of the drive, I said I would get it for her but she practically ran after me to the van, and almost snatched the sleeping bag, which smelled a bit doggy, I thought, from my hands and ran back up to the house.

I am used to odd people, they make my job more enjoyable, well mostly, but I find it very irritating when they are dishonest, and just trying to 'work one up us', as my Dad would say.

So this where I start looking like feckin' Basil Fawlty, getting obsessed with what they may or may not have in their lodge, staking them out, I even had the lodge camera in my pocket, just in case...I KNEW they had a dog in there, that they had obviously had it in the previous lodge, 'cos, duh, I had just realised that I had delivered the fucking hairy bastards bed back to her!!!! Stupid me.

Its the weekend, and I am the only Manager stupid enough to be around, so I deal with this kind of thing, so I do what any Manager worth their salt would do and I asked someone else to ring her and ask her if she has a dog.

"Dog dear? Me dear? No!" (How very dare you!) My sister has called to see me, her dog jumped out of the car, maybe thats what someone saw...yes I realise that I could be asked to leave if I have a dog, but it's not mine"

Nice to see they can stick to the same story. Her sister it transpires lives five miles away, nice also that they could spend some quality time in their huge, upraded, luxury lodge, how lucky that the fuse went and they had to move..just as well there were enough beds for everyone to stay....told you...obsessed!

I came in early today, it's SUNDAY, no idea why it says Saturday above...(note to self, learn how to blog properly) as we're really busy, and I wanted to get a head start, AND I wanted to catch them with the offending four legged beast, but they were one step ahead of me, the sisters car left at 8.15 and came back at 8.45, just missed them! They took poochy home, so if we did decide to knock and ask them if we could check for doggy prints, they would have no reason to refuse, and all morning to complain bitterly that someone had dared to think that they would bring a dog, which is in breach of their terms and conditions.

My lovely clean, fresh carpets now smell like a kennel, and there are, despite their half arsed attempts to clean up, non human hairs on the stairs, in the utility room and (FFS!) on one of the beds!

In all, an interesting weekend, but one I could have done without, as I have to now recommend to my Manager that they aren't entitled to their deposit back, and he is unlikely to 'want a fuss' so they probably will get away with three nights luxury accommodation for just under 300 euro!!!

All this could have been avoided if someone had enough common sense to give them some heaters on Thursday night.

They shouldn't have been moved, the fuse was fixed first thing on Friday morning, they would not have drawn attention to themselves, and I probably wouldn't have even noticed until after they gone that they had a which time I couldn't have proved it.

On check out she asked to speak to a Manager, she was delighted to see the twenty-something in an ill fitting suit approach her, and took full advantage of the situation...luckily I was in the foyer and heard this.

Her face when she saw me was a picture, she knew that she had been rumbled, so all thoughts of a further discount melted from her mind.

I escorted her to the desk to settle her bill, which she did, grudgingly, and said she would be ringing later in the week to enquire about her deposit...hah!

I told her I was so pleased that she had brought that up, as the GM would want to discuss that with her further, as we have reason to believe a dog has been staying in the lodge, which, as she is well aware, is NOT allowed.

People who take the piss, who freeload, who push and push for discounts, while all the time doing something that not only inconveniences others, but also causes extra work...(like lets see,two houses to clean, and if that dog has fleas then so do my staff now, thanks, and the house is out of action while it is being fumigated...)

They should be ashamed.

Dog hater? me dear? no dear, HOW VERY DARE YOU!!