The Fragrant Uma Thurman.

Name dropper?

Me?

How very dare you!

I have worked in lots of Hotels, for over 20 years so obviously I have had many 'celebrities' under my roof so to speak.

When does it become acceptable to start blabbing abut them? Is it like that 'official secrets' thing, where the powers that be wait 50 years or so before telling us mere mortals, that our beloved leaders once farted at a state function in Moscow?

I don't suppose she'll mind, and anyway, it wasn't her fault.

We had the production team, and some of the cast of 'Robin Hood' staying at the Hotel, not the Kevin Costner 'Prince of Thieves' version, but the smaller budget English version, starring Patrick Bergin, and that lovely man from the cheese advert. The rumours were flying around that Kevin Costner was indeed staying with us, and the branches of the trees in the grounds were assaulted by the ample arses of teenage girls from Blacon trying to catch a glimpse of him in his tights.

Uma Thurman was Maid Marian, she wasn't well known then, it was four years before Pulp Fiction, so she was booked into a standard, normal, ground floor room.

We had had a particularly busy day, lots of check outs, a wedding, staff on holiday so we were understaffed. It was also quite an exciting day, in that one of our chambermaids had won a substantial amount of money on the National Bingo the night before! Why she came into work I still don't understand, but I'm glad she did.

We were flying, sweating, nearly finished, last room, they were ok, getting on fine with it, so I went to check the public areas and see if I could help that inebriated girl from the wedding find her shoe. I found it, eventually, under the fountain in the outside smoking area. I went back to check on the girls a short time later.

I could hear the giggling, the clanking, the obvious sound of no work being done......four housekeepers had congregated in the last room to 'help' finish it off.

I walked along the corridor ready to hurry them up, to find other work for the non essential staff crowding the room, at exactly the same time as Ms Thurman had crept into the ground floor fire exit, and was returning to her room.

She smiled that enigmatic smile at me, we exchanged a hello and we walked, together, into her room, and both saw at the very same moment, two housekeeping staff in the bathroom, one with a bottle of perfume, mid-spray on to her neck, the other, lovingly brushing her long hair with Maid Marians' hairbrush.......another was sitting on her unmade bed, leafing through some private letters, the last one, on hearing us enter the room, jumped into the air, and began dusting furiously, convincing no-one.

I was so relieved that she didn't have that sword she so swiftly dispatched her enemies with in Kill Bill that day!

I don't know who was more annoyed, her or me, but she certainly let her feelings be known!

She calmed down after a while, and was very nice about the whole thing, but I was embarrassed for days. The whole Hotel was awash with stories about how she had screamed at the girls, and threatened to sue.....typical rumour mill.....but actually she was too nice about it.

Shame really, it would have been a better story :)

The film was much better than the Hollywood version by the way.

Black Friday? Sh***y Saturday!

The works 'do' was last night.

I have the flu. I didn't go. I am very glad I didn't go.

Apparently the food looked ok, smelled ok, tasted, on reflection a 'bit' strange, but you know how it is, having a drink, relaxing with your workmates, no-one wants to be the one who complains, and anyway what does it matter, get the meal over, and on to the club.

On to the club they went, all 75 of them, in varying states of sobriety and dress. The typical company Christmas Party.......whoopee do. Come to think of it, even without a raging temperature and a face that looks like porridge, I don't think I would have gone anyway, I mean who wants to see their boss, er, relaxed? Not me.

So off they teetered in their new heels, bought especially for the evening, paddling through puddles of beer and vomit, to sit and shout over the musak, for a couple of hours at people they don't speak to all the week.

Missed opportunities, lost handbags, smudged lippy, everyone drunkenly told that someone "really loves them," new friendships, ruined friendships, broken heels, and food poisoning, all of life is here.

So, today I have been Mummy at work too. Grown women are worse than kids!

Our own 'do' is next week. Somewhere else I'm glad to say.

It's Raining Men

"Quick, what room is above here?"

"Morning to you too" I replied.

Staring back at me, wild eyed, and hair dripping water down her face, the night Manager, looking like she'd had more than enough for one shift, had rounded it off nicely with a shower.

Arriving for the 7am shift, I walked into Reception, not really thinking about anything else, other than getting organised for the day ahead.
A tour departing, another coming in. As a city centre hotel, a quick turnaround is pretty normal, the tours don't usually make much mess, they aren't here long enough...and they often leave a tip under the pillows for the girls doing their rooms.

"Um, problem"? I ventured, half expecting to get my head bitten off.

"What the fuck do you think"?

"How long have you had water pouring through the ceiling onto your head"? I asked.

The look of exasperation on her face was enough to send me running up the stairs of our 18 th Century building to investigate.

I had figured out which room it was on the way up, and, arriving at the door, could hear splashing noises. Now anyone who has worked in Hotels will know, that Hotels are dodgy places, occasionally filled with dodgy people, so its not a good idea to reach for the master key and ask questions later!

So, being polite and professional, I knocked, then knocked again, nothing.........so I had no choice, my colleague was in danger of drowning, electrocution, of having her first wash for days, so I opened the door.

I shouted, loud, from behind the door,

"Hello, housekeeping.....can I just check your bathroom?"

Nothing.

I had no choice, I went in, I walked towards the bathroom, calling out as I went, then the problem became clear.

Standing in the corner of the bathroom, was a naked Japanese tourist, quite content in his nakedness, as his partner threw bucket after bucket of water over him.

I kept a straight face, well they're good tippers, and explained the best way I could in sign language, keeping my eyes above sea level, that if they had to do that could he please stand in the bath.

From that day, I think I became unshockable, or was that when it became my job to ask the prostitutes to vacate the Ladies Room?

"People Are Stupid"

A 'twenty something' told me that, but I always played devils advocate.

"No, people are not stupid, they are all different, have different opinions, you shouldn't be so negative, look for the best in people....."

How come he knows more about people than me? I am twenty years older than him, surely my life experiences give me the edge??

People are most definitely stupid!

We have some guests checking in on Monday, long term, moving from France.
They want to bring the contents of their whole house with them, including the plants! So, like an idiot I have been on my hands and knees measuring the height of the bloody windows from the floor, to see if the feckin things will fit!

Never mind the mice that have set up a colony of thousands and think they can stay for free, never mind the fact that the builders arrived as everyone was leaving last night and began taking the floor up in the bar.......and left it like a bomb site, never mind the fact that it has been raining for days non stop, and we are in danger of becoming a 'Norfolk Broads' type resort, no, lets get our priorities right.......the yuccas' happiness is paramount.

They can't help it, they're French.

My lovely receptionist friend had a meeting with the GM the other day.....I take back what I said about her complaints falling on deaf ears, he seemed quite concerned, and said he would not tolerate bullying from anyone, he also said he would investigate her complaints.....we'll see if he puts his money where his mouth is.

Now, where's me tape measure, they want to bring their expectations with them.

"We Veerrry Beeezy"

As with most Hotels and Resorts in Ireland at the moment, our housekeeping staff are, in the main, Polish, which is fabulous as far as I'm concerned, as I have never had to chase anyone over their bad standards or attitude. Mostly, as a whole they are a delight to work with. I know I shouldn't generalise, but in this case it's true.

There's always an exception to every rule.

My last supervisor, lovely girl, polite, friendly, mature........stubborn as hell.

On my days off, I would leave directions in the diary of what needed doing that day, I always made sure that she understood what was expected, that she had no problems, that she would be able to complete the tasks, that she had enough staff to do it.
Without fail, when I came back, nothing was done. The excuse was "we were very busy" er, yes, and?? The bare minimum was all you could expect.

I then spent a couple of days picking up the pieces.

I have lost count of the number of times I blew my top, having horrendous rows in both broken English and Polish, it must have sounded like a comedy sketch, some bright spark who, walking in on the torrent, called it Penglish.

What can you? Sack someone who has been there longer than you, and in all honesty probably does more work than you? At this stage, I was already in the process of cutting my team down to the bare minimum, so without a supervisor, even one who played dumb at the mere mention of the dreaded mattress turns, we would have been even deeper in the shit.

You always know the hotel you are working in is in financial trouble when your purchase orders come back with refused written in blood on the top page. First casualty is always toilet rolls. I have never had to cut up the Indo and put it on a hook on the back of the bathroom door, but I have come pretty close. Once this starts to happen, get the hell out of there. That sounds completely disloyal, but hey, loyalty has to be earned, along with respect.

I sincerely hope my last property thrives and starts to make money, there are still some lovely, decent people working there, and I would like to see it succeed, but unless it has huge investment, in the very near future, I seriously doubt that will happen.

A GM friend of mine starts a new position today, I still don't know where, he wouldn't tell anyone, something to do with 'jinxing it'!! I hope he's ok, and it's what he wants. It must be difficult taking over a property with total control, but he has the technology as they say, I'm sure he's fine.

Personally, I wouldn't be a GM for a big clock.

Speaking of GMs mine has just announced that I now have control of the cleaning standards in the public areas in the clubhouse as well as my bits!! Oh thrilled I am! Since the day I walked in the door, I have thanked the Lord under my breath that I am not responsible for the bars and lounge.....because they are fucking filthy!! Having said that, it was starting to annoy me, so maybe its a good thing. Nice to know that he thinks I'm up to it!

Now, what's 'skirting boards' in Polish?

The Start Of The Beginning

Last week I let the cleaning contractors go, they were costing the property over two grand a week, and I still can't figure out what they were doing.

Today, we have our own housekeeping team, five wonderful ladies, who, when I last checked, were rubbing and scrubbing like Billy-O.
I organised some COSSH training for them with Rosie, from the company that supplies the cleaning products, just to go over how and when to use the various chemicals and products etc...she told me that she had never met a more enthusiastic team...my God, I must be doing something right at last!

I have taken on quite a task here, although it is an established property, the area in which I am working is new, and so is my position, so it's a learning curve for all of us.

Some things you never forget though.

I had a long conversation with a long term resident this morning, the wife of an Antipodean furniture mogul.

I was warned she was high maintenance, and so I was prepared for the sarcasm, the tears, the dramatics!

This was wrong, that was wrong, "it was never like this before."

'NO'...

because the contractors spent all fucking morning in your lodge pandering to your every fucking need you selfish cow...which is why they rushed the others they had to do...which is why they were crap...!!

What I actually said was, "please accept my apologies, my supervisor will be right down to you and you can direct her on your cleaning needs"

I also pointed out to her that her two cats (which she isn't supposed to have in there anyway) shit all over the floor, the girls had to scrape it off the runners on the patio door...that shut her up!

'You are the weakest link....fuck off'

I got a text today from a receptionist at my last Hotel, a lovely woman, warm, kind, funny, fantastic with the guests, who is also highly professional. She wanted my opinion on a letter she was going to send to her General Manager.

In short, she gave notice, but not before making a formal complaint about her treatment by the new Front office manager. To say this woman is a tad rude is the understatement of the year.

I have certainly met and indeed worked with far worse, but I don't have dyslexia, am not as forgiving as my receptionist friend, and I am not in the unenviable position of having an ambitious bitch for a line manager, so I understand her frustration. I told her to send it, making sure the owners of the property received a copy too.

The letter will fall on deaf ears, or blind eyes, whatever, but it should make her feel better about leaving.

Its the age old story of 'new brooms' new GM, new Front Office, new Accommodation, all recruited from the GMs' pool of wannabes, well that's what you do isn't it? Surround yourself with old chums, people you've worked with before.......they do all the work, you sit back in the knowledge that they owe you and will do anything, almost, to keep their jobs.

I relocated this year to Cork from Mayo, and, after turning down three other offers, agreed to take a position with a General Manager I really felt I could work with, at a property that needed investment in both time and money, but had potential.
A few weeks later, he announced he was on a years' contract and was leaving.....

So the new guy starts....first week, and I find myself sending texts to an ex GM friend of mine telling him that I think this guy is a prick. 'Give him a chance, he's only just started' I am told, hmm maybe.....then, the following morning's meeting turns into a bloodbath. His parting shot was "I could get another Accommodation Manager to do your job for 10k less than you are getting". I wished him good luck, knowing full well that he had someone lined up already, and began scanning the sits vacant.

I can spot a bully a mile away, I no longer allow myself to be a victim of these reprehensible half wits, but I get so angry when I see it happening to someone else. I offered my lovely receptionist a job, just to see her and her daughter through Christmas, it not glamorous, but the moneys good, so I hope she agrees to take it.

I've just been reading about a project to build the first hotel in space.....fantastic, just think of the endless possibilities, imagine how many times you would hear yourself saying ' I'm sorry? your water won't stay in your bath? That would be the lack of gravity, I'll send a plumber up to you straight away.'

Jesus, who invented guests?

Don't Thank Me!

A guy I know saves lives, it's getting to be a habit. He isn't a firefighter, or a paramedic, he just seems to be around, when someone tries to kill themselves.

Last weekend he stopped a young lad, with obvious suicidal intentions, I say obvious because he was hanging over the parapet of the river bridge at midnight. .

I suppose I would have done the same, although I'm probably more cynical than him, less patient, and certainly not strong enough to pull a six foot drunken Irishman off a bridge.

A friend, far more spiritual than me, once said that she believed there are angels that walk the Earth, they're all around us, (woooo!) I put it down to too many chasers, but you know, I'm starting to think she's right...

He told this lad not to thank him, he wasn't doing it for him, it was for purely selfish reasons in that he didn't want to read about him in the paper, knowing that he could have done something.

I love my life, but if I ever find myself looking down at rocks and flowing water...I hope my angel isn't too far away.

I seem to have worked in Hotels for ever, in one shape or form. It wasn't intentional, I wanted to be a nurse, but I didn't have the stomach.

Much to the disgust of my mother, I left her nest and went in search of a life of servitude.

I thought it would be fun, easy, I would meet lots of nice interesting people, be paid handsomely for my efforts and have a fab pad in the staff quarters...would I do the same now, knowing the truth?

Of course I would!!